D-day

Wow. Where to start. People, if you want deep dark secrets and drama, I have a double dose for you today. This shameless exposure of my life is my attempt at dealing with it, you may not think highly of me for putting it out there for anyone and everyone to read, but hey, it's my blog, if you don't like it...screw off.

On Friday, something happened. Something not good. I have been stewing over it for some time now, but didn't want it to happen this soon or in this way. Yes, I am getting a divorce. It was all me that wanted it, not him. He totally called me out, because honestly? I'm not a good actor and I am no good at being deceitful. Sure I was planning it behind everyone's back, so I could be prepared, but it was actually in the best interest of our son and to make things easier on both of us when it did happen. But after he confronted me with his observations that were 'right on target' I couldn't lie anymore. I had to tell him how I felt. And I feel like complete crap about it. But I know it's best for all of us. It's not fair for him to be with someone who doesn't love him back, it's not fair for Caleb to have to see his parents fight like mad in front of him and it's not fair for me to be unhappy for the rest of my life either. Because you only live once...we each deserve better- whether he realizes it right now or not.

This didn't happen because there was someone else, it happened because I simply can't relate to him anymore, there's absolutely nothing there, things that counseling or years of trying simply won't help. I am not the person he married, I have grown up in a lot of ways and there are a lot of things that I don't get about him anymore. When I come home sometimes, I am so miserable that my attention to Caleb is less than par. Mike and I never spend any time together, even though he says he loves me, I don't see it. We had a talk about this earlier in the year. We both felt the same resentment, loss of love, unhappiness and loneliness. So it's not like I never warned him how I felt, even before that. We said we'd work on things. I tried, but realized that I didn't care enough anymore to keep trying. And the big thing was when he actually started doing things to change, as small as they were, I still didn't care. It's just not fair to him to live with someone like that and it's not fair to me to have to pretend and it's not fair to Caleb to be caught in the middle of a screwed up relationship.

My main concern is Caleb. It hurts like hell to think that I will inevitably cause issues in his life with this, but if it weren't this, he would hate us for fighting so much, he'd end up trying to escape his own home. I don't want to be that person that cheats, I don't want to be the person that gets cheated on and I know it happens...a lot. A couple of married people I know well, have elaborate facades built, you'd think they were the happiest couples in the world, but behind closed doors, they are miserable. And it puts a huge strain on their children, whether they admit it or not. I choose not to be like that. Call me wrong, selfish, call me all the bad names in the world, but I don't think it's right, I want to prevent more severe pain...7 years, it may not seem like a lot to some, but it's long enough for me to know how I feel.

I'm leaving the house, he's keeping it, which is fine, because we all know I wanted to move anyway. [You may already be putting two and two together on some of my posts now, eh?] So many things that I am totally not prepared to do right now must happen and I have no idea how the hell I'm going to pull them off. I guess that's karma coming to kick my ass or something. But I am fine with that. I got what I wanted, I suppose I can't be too picky about how it happened, because I'm not the one that was blindsided by an 18 wheeler. Oh well, this too shall pass.

So we have both agreed to be civil. Which is great, because I don't want this to be a war. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. He's a wonderful father and he deserves just as much custody as I do, we don't have anything to fight over, besides that, so I am glad we are on the same page. It seems too good to be true to think that this will happen in a civil and simple-as-possible manner, but I'm trusting him. If he tries to screw me over? It would be a huge HUGE mistake on his part, because this bitch has a lot of ammunition and won't hesitate to use it.

Let's be positive though, let's hope that this happens smoothly, for Caleb's sake. So that's my story. I don't need pity or sympathy, because I am fine. But I also realize that some of you may not think highly of me after this, which is fine and if you find it necessary to vomit your opinions all over my comments page, well just know that I return favors :-D