This blog will self destruct in 5....4....3....2....

Everything else is changing, why should my blog get left out of all the fun?

Yep, I'm trashing this blog. Sayonara sucker. Ok, by this point, no one will miss it, because let's face it, I haven't exactly been posting on it. BUT....you knew there was a but, didn't you? I am going to start an entirely new...super secret (but not private) blog. If you want to keep reading my stuff, because I will post like I used to again, then email me at theshabbster@gmail.com and then? I will bequeath to you my friends, a link that will take you to my new blog :)

But why Heather, why are you creating a new blog? Simple. Because people, this mind of mine is not meant to be bottled up. It's no fun if I can't divulge all the shameless little details of my new life to you, without wondering if uh, certain people aren't reading it, you know?

So new blog, be there or be square.

Yes.

I said it.

Be there...

or be?

Square.

After what seemed like at least 1 year After about a week without internet, I am finally back in touch with the rest of the world. I can only imagine the feeling I've had over the past week is comparable to that of Tom Hank's character from the movie "Castaway."

To make an already grueling week worse, I have been sick. For a while now. 2 doctors visits and 3 prescriptions later, I think I'm finally feeling like 'me' again. But Caleb is still sick, I think his 2nd doctors visit is coming soon. Ahhhh. I'm so glad I got to spend $100 of my Christmas money on doctor/medicine crap. Merry Christmas to me...

Otherwise, I've been trying to get my apartment straight. Heh, if it wasn't for the fact that I promised you all pictures, I don't suppose I'd be working so diligently to make it happen so soon. Just uh, keep demanding them ok? Otherwise I will slack off and surely there will be boxes of crap littering my already too tiny apartment for months to come.

Ok, on that note, I hope you all had a lovely holiday...I'm BaaAAAAaaack!

Randomness

Have you ever gone to an atm, put your card in...then accidentally hit the Spanish button? It's one of those things that you never really think about...until it happens to you. Yeah, it totally happened to me today. After I put my card in, I hit the first series of buttons, went to enter my pin and instead of enter, I hit the gosh freaking darn Spanish button. There's no way to get back to English once you've gone there (and no way to get your card back unless you actually go through with one of the options). Not only did I feel like a fool because I couldn't figure out any of the 9 options in front of me, but there was a line of cars piling up, probably wondering why the hell I was just staring stupidly at the screen.

So I pushed buttons. Randomly. I wanted to make a deposit, but ultimately ended up withdrawing $20 and I'm not quite sure how. Oh well. It was funny though.

Other than that, I have been moving into my new apartment!!! I am so excited about it, just glad it is finally mine. I'll definitely post some pics when I'm done decorating...

Oh, by the way, I know I haven't been making my rounds like normal, leaving comments to all of you like a good blogger would. For this, I am sorry. I hope that you won't hold it against me forever, I don't want to lose my audience!!! (because I noticed no one is commenting much anymore...sniff sniff....if you're reading it and not commenting, don't be scurred, say something!!!)

Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

People. I am stoked.

My articles finally, finally got published!!! The magazine had some set backs so the new issue just came out. And can I tell you, I didn't think they were going to use all of my articles, but damned if they didn't.

Click here to see the latest issue with my 5 articles! For quick reference, here are the pages mine are on:

-pg 17 (quail ridge books)
-pg 20 (White rabbit)
-pg 21 (dancing moon)
*All three of the above are part of the cover story article
-pg 24 Green Machine
-pg 34 The Sound of Music

So yeah, that's my first stuff that's been published :-D Ok, I can acknowledge that I'm not as good as some of the writers in there, but hey I can't suck that bad if they published me, right? Anyway, just thought I'd share, enjoy!

OMG she's alive!

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and say it. I've been a bad...BAD blogger lately. But hey, what more can you expect from a homeless person?

It's actually kind of fun being homeless (of course it's only 'fun' because I know I have a home to go to in the near future). Yep, my tiny little trendy apartment *should* be finished next Wednesday. I got the phone call today saying that it would be yet another week. Oh well. I suppose if it's not finished by then, the novelty of being able to say I'm homeless will have worn off, my friends will be tired of my freeloading and I'll probably get really cranky and impatient. But for now, I'm kinda having fun.

Oh, yeah I don't have a car either. Well, I have one that isn't mine...my step dad let me borrow his tank to drive, for this I am SO grateful. Not only does it hold all the crap that has to accompany me wherever I go now (because I practically have my bedroom/closet/bathroom in my car) it also makes me feel a little safer. Like last night, when a deer ran out in front of me...if I was in my old car, I probably would've died had I hit the deer. But this beast probably wouldn't even budge. If I were to ever collide with something, his vehicle would surely protect Caleb and I and I'm sure my step dad feels better knowing that too.

Ok people, you really need to explain this logic to me. First, my friends and family tell me that I should wait at least a few months to even think about dating or getting involved with anyone. Sure that's fine, whatever...my reasons for wanting a divorce were not about wanting to date other people anyway. But recently, these same friends have decided that it has been long enough. How do I know? I'm getting *that* question..."Oh, hey, I have this single friend, don't you want to go out with him?" Uggghhhhh, weren't they just telling me not to date? Apparently I have misunderstood. They now tell me it's ok to date, just not to get caught but also not to get involved. So basically, in a nut shell, my friends are urging me to be promiscuous?? Instead of actually finding someone I really like and secretly dating them, they'd rather me have secret meaningless sex with random single guys? I mean, what else would I do secretly, with a guy, without getting involved...knit sweaters? For real, c'mon! So yeah, I'm about tired of listening to everyone and thier confusing-as[s]-shit theories on what my life should be like right now, when exactly NONE of them have been through it themselves.

You know what? I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and how I want to do it. If I am forced to meet someone that I end up really liking...I don't want people telling me how I should feel or what they think is going to happen...you know? Just let me be...gah!

Ok, I'm done with that now. And I actually feel a little better. Yay.

Just another day

Here I sit at Starbucks. I believe this is the earliest in the day I have ever written a blog. Despite the fact that I spent the entire last 48 hours with my son, dropping him off today was saddening. And lets not mention the triple serving of guilt that I had the pleasure of dealing with, which was just followed up by a phone call to put icing on the already heaping pile of crumbling cake. Oh yes, there's only one person right now capable of doing such a thing - my soon (but not soon enough) to be ex-husband.

So normally today I would have already been shopping for 12 hours. Yes, it would have started at midnight and would have probably ended about lunchtime. But no, this year there will be no chaotic bliss...no spending a crapton of money that I really don't have on people other than me. I blame him for this. I blame him because he didn't care when it counted and now I have to pay for it. Well actually, I can't pay for anything today, which is why I'm so freggin pissed off.

So I sit here, sipping my chai tea latte, imagining all the unique gifts I could make to give as presents, since clearly I can not afford them, even with the most hefty discounts I'll ever see again this year. I draw a blank. Oh well. I'm sure I'll figure something out. Uh huh. Right.

It would be really nice though, if I could just find a place to live. I think I have, but who's to say the landlord won't look at my rental application and laugh? Yes, I found a place, downtown (!) and I am really excited about it. There would be just enough time left to decorate it for Christmas...although it's not nearly big enough to fit even a tiny skinny tree in. This place is so small, that even I'm in my own way. But it'll work, I love the location and it's safe. Ugh, I just want to hibernate, so that I can wake up and all the puzzle pieces will have fallen into place.

At least I had a wonderful visit with my mom and her family. It was really nice to hang out with them like that and spend the night. That hasn't happened, well, since I got married. Just one more thing to add to my list of reasons why this [divorce] is such a superbly fabulous idea.

D-day

Wow. Where to start. People, if you want deep dark secrets and drama, I have a double dose for you today. This shameless exposure of my life is my attempt at dealing with it, you may not think highly of me for putting it out there for anyone and everyone to read, but hey, it's my blog, if you don't like it...screw off.

On Friday, something happened. Something not good. I have been stewing over it for some time now, but didn't want it to happen this soon or in this way. Yes, I am getting a divorce. It was all me that wanted it, not him. He totally called me out, because honestly? I'm not a good actor and I am no good at being deceitful. Sure I was planning it behind everyone's back, so I could be prepared, but it was actually in the best interest of our son and to make things easier on both of us when it did happen. But after he confronted me with his observations that were 'right on target' I couldn't lie anymore. I had to tell him how I felt. And I feel like complete crap about it. But I know it's best for all of us. It's not fair for him to be with someone who doesn't love him back, it's not fair for Caleb to have to see his parents fight like mad in front of him and it's not fair for me to be unhappy for the rest of my life either. Because you only live once...we each deserve better- whether he realizes it right now or not.

This didn't happen because there was someone else, it happened because I simply can't relate to him anymore, there's absolutely nothing there, things that counseling or years of trying simply won't help. I am not the person he married, I have grown up in a lot of ways and there are a lot of things that I don't get about him anymore. When I come home sometimes, I am so miserable that my attention to Caleb is less than par. Mike and I never spend any time together, even though he says he loves me, I don't see it. We had a talk about this earlier in the year. We both felt the same resentment, loss of love, unhappiness and loneliness. So it's not like I never warned him how I felt, even before that. We said we'd work on things. I tried, but realized that I didn't care enough anymore to keep trying. And the big thing was when he actually started doing things to change, as small as they were, I still didn't care. It's just not fair to him to live with someone like that and it's not fair to me to have to pretend and it's not fair to Caleb to be caught in the middle of a screwed up relationship.

My main concern is Caleb. It hurts like hell to think that I will inevitably cause issues in his life with this, but if it weren't this, he would hate us for fighting so much, he'd end up trying to escape his own home. I don't want to be that person that cheats, I don't want to be the person that gets cheated on and I know it happens...a lot. A couple of married people I know well, have elaborate facades built, you'd think they were the happiest couples in the world, but behind closed doors, they are miserable. And it puts a huge strain on their children, whether they admit it or not. I choose not to be like that. Call me wrong, selfish, call me all the bad names in the world, but I don't think it's right, I want to prevent more severe pain...7 years, it may not seem like a lot to some, but it's long enough for me to know how I feel.

I'm leaving the house, he's keeping it, which is fine, because we all know I wanted to move anyway. [You may already be putting two and two together on some of my posts now, eh?] So many things that I am totally not prepared to do right now must happen and I have no idea how the hell I'm going to pull them off. I guess that's karma coming to kick my ass or something. But I am fine with that. I got what I wanted, I suppose I can't be too picky about how it happened, because I'm not the one that was blindsided by an 18 wheeler. Oh well, this too shall pass.

So we have both agreed to be civil. Which is great, because I don't want this to be a war. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. He's a wonderful father and he deserves just as much custody as I do, we don't have anything to fight over, besides that, so I am glad we are on the same page. It seems too good to be true to think that this will happen in a civil and simple-as-possible manner, but I'm trusting him. If he tries to screw me over? It would be a huge HUGE mistake on his part, because this bitch has a lot of ammunition and won't hesitate to use it.

Let's be positive though, let's hope that this happens smoothly, for Caleb's sake. So that's my story. I don't need pity or sympathy, because I am fine. But I also realize that some of you may not think highly of me after this, which is fine and if you find it necessary to vomit your opinions all over my comments page, well just know that I return favors :-D